I don't think I respect myself enough
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This realisation is not new, but it has been especially crushing of late.
I have been trying to live up to expectations and standards set by others for me for YEARS now. Decades even.
How I should stand, dress, walk, talk, and just generally be.
This might seem like a normal thing except before you know it you don't really know who you are. Because you have been suppressing for years what you know to be YOUR truth.
I recently came to the conclusion that I like working early in the morning. This comic for instance, I could make it easily in the morning but I struggle with it in the evening. But a part of me kept telling myself that early mornings are for workouts and chores. So I tried to do the 'right' thing while struggling with it for a long time.
It might seem silly but I have also suppressed and tried to hide my ADHD diagnosis for years. I just didn't want to believe it. I just wanted to be normal, and not the weird one.
But not embracing that part of my identity has meant years of mental struggles and exhaustion. As I (finally) embrace that I am also customizing how I work, how I am productive.
There's a bit of shame and weirdness associated with this, but I am learning to embrace it. I know I need to in order to have a better future for myself. Because only when I accept who I am will I be able to do the things I am capable of.