This has been an ongoing struggle for me. To accept what I am.

The fashion world and the movie industry are filled with people with high cheek bones and picture perfect physiques and I sometimes feel completely inadequate.

It’s weird to look at yourself and feel disappointed. If this feeling persists then it becomes impossible to not be conscious when meeting people or in surroundings.

I have always noticed that when I am in public I tend to get so conscious that I inadvertently check to see if I am okay. I get so insecure that I subconsciously take actions that show that I am insecure.

For instance, I went to this shop recently and as I entered I saw a few people standing at the far end. As long as I was with my sister I felt absolutely comfortable but then suddenly I was adjusting my woollen cap and just double checking my clothes to see if I was okay.

I caught myself when I found myself staring at the mirror in the store and I realised what I was doing. It was a moment of awareness about how much I was triggered by the simple action of seeing some strangers in a shop.

I might not have noticed this behaviour at all but I’ve been trying to observe myself and learn more about myself.

So what will it take for me to get comfortable with myself?

This is the next question on my mind. What can I do to overcome this? What can I do so I begin to accept myself as I am?

Because only then do I see that I can be confident and fully present in all the different moments. If a part of my mind is constantly thinking about what I could be doing to make myself look better in that situation then I will never be able to fully immerse myself in that moment.

This is exactly the reason why I have anxiety in public. Especially when I am much more visible.

I am now actively trying to observe myself in each and every moment. Even those moments when I am comfortable and by myself.

I see that my awareness is the first step to just observing and building a better picture of who I am.

I have wanted to be someone else for so long that I have not really understood WHO I AM!

And so observation is the first step for me to get there.

I will write more about what I am doing to observe myself but in the meantime I have a question for you.

How do you observe yourself? Please do comment as your answers could be helpful to me!

See you soon!