I’m trying to write this out as honestly as I possibly can.

Yet even as I do so…there are filters I encounter.

There are questions I ask myself in an attempt to become honest.

“Does the reader really need to know this about me? Do I absolutely have to say this? Can I just keep this from them?”

And a part of me is comfortable with that idea. From keeping my truths with me.

“Yeah…it’s okay to hide certain truths. It’s alright. What’s the big deal? Everyone hides their secrets.”

And yet another part of me tells me that it isn’t. And not because YOU or some other reader will judge me for the lack of authenticity. It’s because I will.

I’ll know the secrets I have chosen to hide. I know what I have kept from you.

And this makes me guilty of not saying my whole truth. This is deliberate. I know what I wouldn’t want to show. I know what I wouldn’t want the light of truth to shine on.

I know what I don’t want to be seen. Aspects of myself that re best not spoken about. Secrets that I could take to my grave.

And this is what concerns me the most. Something inside me, a secret, has the power to make me anxious, make me feel scared. Sometimes even terrified.

So I have to guard it all the time…revisit it inside me to see if it is still there. Maybe even search for it in those around me.

I become paranoid…and suspicious of everyone.

Do they know? If they do then why aren’t they telling? Are they trying to do something with it? Are they going to bring me down with it?

And this goes on and on. These dialogues used to be my reality before I reached a point where I was like, “I’m done. I can’t put energy into this anymore. This is too much effort.”

And all for what? A measly secret?

Most secrets that I used to hide when I was a kid…are laughable at best. They don’t matter anymore.

And the ones that still matter? The ones that can destroy the current identity that I have? Well…I want to find them and flush them out.

I’m hoping to write about them in stories…sneakily getting rid of them in the process.

But yeah, I wanna be as honest as possible. Now and forever.