Habits and Life #9 Confessions

Sticking to these new habits and staying consistent with them is becoming a little difficult. I am doing a lot more than what I was doing before, I am much more regular than I was before. I think I have written some 2500 words of my novel in the last 10 days, and that is […]

Sticking to these new habits and staying consistent with them is becoming a little difficult.

I am doing a lot more than what I was doing before, I am much more regular than I was before. I think I have written some 2500 words of my novel in the last 10 days, and that is in a way almost unimaginable from where I had started.

Yet, I am feeling a little…bored? Maybe there is a little more to this habit formation thing than I know?

I am able to hit my marks daily. I am keeping the streak going. Yet…I have forgotten what the rewards that I had started out to be were.

This is what I had written down for myself.

1. GMAT
   1. Study daily
      1. Maths
      2. Verbal
2. Storytelling and Branding and Marketing
   1. Blog
   2. Cynyassy comics
   3. Novel
3. Game/App
   1. Daily 5-10 minutes of learning
4. Science Fiction
   1. Writing reviews of books I have already read
   2. Commenting on books that are coming out
   3. Reading regularly

Now, I am studying for GMAT, but I…haven’t really upped the rigour. I am not upping the rigour just yet.

Perhaps recovering from a surgery is…what is holding me back. I am not really putting myself into it fully. And I want to start going to a place of work where I can work and also be inspired by the people around me.

Right now, I’m at home, it is a cushy environment and it’s just me chasing something and I keep forgetting what that is.

And then of course there is my break up. I don’t even know what to say about that. It’s not something that is pleasant, and is making me reflect on the habits of love that I have been practicing all these years.

One my key realisations has been that I haven’t been vulnerable. I haven’t actually been honest about what I am feeling. And the worst part is I didn’t even tell her that I was thinking of her, that she was there on my mind, like all the time. That I was scared of losing her, and that I kept my insecurities bottled up because I didn’t want to drive her away.

And it backfired! My conversations with her were stilted, I didn’t say what was on my heart. When looking at her would make my heart skip a beat I acted cool. Why? I don’t know. Maybe I never learned to express?

Maybe I thought that I wasn’t good enough? Insecurities? Fears?

Now when I think about it, I think, why do it? Why play these stupid games? There is no need in my life to do this at all. And yet I did.

I have tried being honest with her now. I have tried to talk straight to her. She has had enough of me though. I’ll be honest, okay. It’s not all on me. And she knows that. She has played a part in it.

But I can only look at my actions and see what I did that I could correct. And I am going to do that.

No more games. The people in my life who are important need to know that they are important to me.

And I need to start taking care of myself. I have not been focused on my goals, and I lose the plot every few days. It’s not attractive. And it’s not something someone can gravitate to.

I want to take the blame so I know what to work on.

You, if you’re reading this, will be seeing a lot more of this writing.