My heart is heavy with the pain of having to let go without really wanting to. I was watching a movie and the movie triggered the memories and the memories filled all the parts of me that had gone numb from the hurting and now the hurting is all I can feel. 

I want it to end but I know that’s not how it works and so I have to be with the pain and do something with it so I am writing this in the hopes that when the pain gets some focus it will pour out of me and then leave me alone. At least for a little while. 

My heart aches with the pain that I felt long ago and I thought I was done with and I am annoyed with myself because it seems like letting go and moving on aren’t the easiest things to do and I thought it would be over by now but it isn’t. I have poured myself into my hobbies and built new habits and begun a new life and yet a simple movie has caused me to remember what I felt a long time ago. I don’t like it. 

It takes so little to go back and feel something, even a small amount of it, that I thought I had left in the past? 

I know I need to be gentle with myself right now and that this too shall pass but I am not able to focus on that in this moment and I am feeling like I need to remember this over and over that this too shall pass but I keep forgetting and my mind keeps soaking my body in the pain and I keep trying to remember that this too shall pass in the hopes that the pain dulls a little bit and I can relax. 

Because until the pain goes away I can’t do anything I can’t do much I can’t move on and change I can’t distract myself and I know it is temporary but I don’t know what to do and talking might help but I don’t have words because I thought I had dealt with it already and I have spoken enough about it and now I want to move on but it’s like my mind and body have a will of their own and they won’t listen to me and all I can do is try to get them to listen but they won’t and so I need to do this and write it out. 

I’m tired. 

It keeps happening and then the wound is open and raw and the pain is too much and sometimes I don’t like myself so I remember things that cause more pain and open chapters in my head that I thought were closed but are always there and always waiting and always listening to when I am silent and always ready to pounce when I am vulnerable.

I know that this will pass and I am waiting for it to pass but I don’t have a magazine in this lounge to pass the time because I need to really just stay with the waiting because waiting here is the real activity. 

My heart is aching with the phantom pain of things I had felt long ago and I know it’s a cheaper pain than it was before but I have to be with it and stay with it and just slowly let it pass through me and maybe one day I won’t feel it until the day I do again but it will pass much more quickly. 

Until then when my heart aches I will try to listen to it and not be frustrated but just stay with it and soothe it and tell it that it’s not the end of the world and that my actions will probably cause it more pain but that’s okay because that’s life and we will get wiser and better at dealing with the pain and make choices that perhaps don’t hurt so much. 

My heart is aching and I am trying to listen and now it’s quieter and feebler and it’s less painful and maybe this means that I can deal with it better and maybe I healed in some way that I don’t understand. My heart is aching and it’s not numb anymore and maybe that means I have the ability to feel things again even if it is hurt but I’ll take it because I want to live my life with lots of feelings even if not all of them are great. 

My heart is aching but I am glad because it means I am still alive and I heard this line in South Park but now I know that it is something I really am grateful for. 

My heart is aching and that’s okay.