Today I woke up and I did not feel like doing anything.

I began my day, as usual with meditation. It is nice to finally be able to wake up at 4.30 am and just automatically sit and meditate.

It means that it is slowly but surely becoming a part of my identity.

I will not make the same mistake that I made before, of quitting before I had put in the work.

The regular meditation also has had a dramatic effect on my anger.

I have been particularly angry with my (ex?) girlfriend. She said things to me that I was quite hurt by.

But there is another friend of mine who is going through a few troubles and it made me realise that it is only the people closest to us who can really heal or hurt us.

My girlfriend knew exactly what to say to hurt me, exactly what to deny me to make me angry. Denying me something that I felt I had earned with the work I had put in with her.

And I also said things that preyed on her fears. As I realised this, I felt terrible. I had to apologise immediately. And I did.

I have also told her that I really care for her. And I do. I guess I am supposed to act all cool and aloof but that is not my truth. My truth is that I care for her, but that I had stopped taking care of myself or respecting my values.

And that the promise now is to do those things for myself rather than for her. To live by my values and to make sure that I live by them with integrity and discipline.

And I will slip, no doubt. But I am glad that I remember now.

I hope that we work things out, but I also want to live by the values of honesty and integrity. I don’t know if being honest about my intentions is going to help, I hope it will. But maybe it is already too late?

I am afraid, I guess. Not about losing the relationship, but about earning this lesson and not being able to be there for someone I genuinely care for.

Of course, the relationship would be unacceptable to me if it didn’t agree to my values. I am ready to leave and let go if that is the way it has to go.

But I am more happy that I am being honest. I can hold my head up high because I have said my truth.