I’m the cynyassy. I’m the guy who is the cynical sanyasi. I am not cynical and sassy. Oh I so wish. But I’m not.

I am on a bit of a quest here, for maybe meaning, and for purpose. Sometimes both. But then comes the question of wanting it or not wanting it. And then of course the meta question of what is want after all.

I don’t understand what wanting is. I want to have ice cream, but the idea of wanting ice cream was planted because of the availability of ice cream in the first place. The early man couldn’t want ice cream, he hd no conception of it. He hadn’t seen it, tasted it, or even thought about it (or maybe he did). But you get the point, right? You can’t want what you don’t know about. A better job, you say? That’s I think the modern myth. A better job, where you get to rest on thick and yet surprisingly soft cushions, where the people smile all the time and the work is amazing and there are never any problems…

I mean, we’ve all heard that one friend who has that amazing job, but honestly maybe that friend just likes telling a good story. And maybe you’re a sucker who bought it. Or maybe not.

But I still stand by my point, to want you’ll need to know that something, and that requires…knowing. I’m getting cyclical here. Let me get back on point.

I want meaning and purpose, but those to me are abstract concepts, loose definitions of words I don’t really understand because I haven’t found them. Someone told me I should look for meaning or the universe beckoned me to look for meaning through movies and TV shows. Similarly for purpose. I do not know what purpose is, and yet I’m supposed to be out there looking for it.

Why? And more importantly how? And why want it at all? What is want? I recent went to watch La La Land, a fantastic movie on all counts, but again a movie about chasing your illusive dream. But, but, that dream was a story you wove to keep yourself going through tedium and boredom, to while away the time. And children are allowed to enjoy their dreams, it is easier after all to let a child chase a fanciful dream than to annoy the adults who are busy trying to chase theirs.

And one day you’re told not to, and some people tell you you should. But is it real at all? Tis said that don’t meet your childhood heroes for you will be disappointed, so should you meet your childhood dreams? they definitely will be disappointing.

The thing is, a child in India will probably not dream of becoming an ice hockey player, just like there is little chance of a Canadian kid dreaming of becoming anything else. We dream of things we know, because we know them and see people around us admiring those…things, concepts, whatever.

So what I want is really what my parents wanted or what my society wanted and all that I can really think is what am I looking for that is untouched by the societal bias around me? What is it that is truly mine? Maybe you should think about it too.